Weight of the World....

It feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off my back. No I am not talking about the weight of a heavy barbell loaded up for squats or the straight bar I normally use for walking lunges. I am talking about the weight that comes from standing up for something that deep down in my heart, was just not right. You see, I love competing. I love the way it forces me to push outside my comfort zone and do something I never thought I would. I love following a meal plan (most days) and I love the smell of the tanning products that make me look like an Umpa-Lumpa. I love a challenging workout, probably more than most and even though I despise the mere thought of it, I secretly kinda like leg days because who doesn’t like a nice pair of gams?? But even with the passion that burns deep down inside of me, there is something that is just not sitting well. The weight…

Back to this weight… I decided on a show. I decided I was going to do it and I had 11 weeks to get ready for it. Normally I’m amped up and ready to get down to business. I was excited, don’t get me wrong, but I was also fighting myself much much more than usual.  I had lined out my hair, make-up, rental suit. I had started posing most days and I was following my plan, checking in with coach to make sure we were on track… and I was. Yet, it still didn’t feel good. Something inside me was so unsettled that my workouts were suffering, my home life was feeling the effects, and I was in a down right damn ugly funk. There was a week in which every single day I would get home, immediately put on my sweats and sweatshirt and crawl into bed. I would pull the covers up and hide from myself. What was going on? What is wrong with me? Why can I not pull my head out and push on? These were only a couple of the numerous things I would ask myself. This mental battle was affecting my physical progress. My weight shot up, I felt horrible, my attitude sucked and I was either moments away from crying or punching someone in the face.

Then it hit me... A group of us were visiting having dinner, gushing over a 6-week old adorable baby girl, and I just wanted to enjoy it.  That night I told Mr. T that I didn’t think it was a good idea to do the scheduled show and listed some reasons why. He couldn’t agree with me more. However, the next day I woke up and still had something nagging at me. We went about our normal Saturday, hitting the gym and getting some stuff done around the house while preparing for a cheat meal. But the weight, it was still freaking there! After throwing the idea of visiting my mom and sister around for hours, I finally decided to go and have a night with them. Best. Idea. Ever. I drove slow down the beautiful country road that leads to my folk’s place, which at the time, were covered in a dazzling blanket of fresh snow. I told my mom and sister some of the feelings I have been having and they said to take a step back and take care of you first. It was not their words that helped me; it was getting out of my own head for a minute to breathe.

I did not fail myself by deciding to take some time to take care of me. I did not fail Mr. T or coach or my family. My decision to not do this show does not define who I am. I am proud to say that this week has been a hell of a lot better than that week and I feel good about things again. I do not feel the PRESSURE that this show placed on me, all due to my own doing, and I do not feel like curling up and hiding. I feel free and it is a darn good feeling!

Ciao for now,

J

Oh you confident cat!

   As I have declared before, my resolution is to love myself, love my body, love everything I have in order to be happy, healthy, and confident. This has always been a struggle for me and to be honest, I do not know why, when, or even how it all started. I am a perfectionist and get that good ol' 'Type A' personality trait from my pops. Mr. T always says, "you are your father's daughter." Now don't get me wrong, I am damn proud to be my fathers daughter. That man is hard working and has worked for everything he has BUT he also can get so involved in his own to-do lists, tasks, goals, ect that he sometimes forgets about other aspects that need attention. This is me (insert sigh and hanging of my head). I love crossing stuff off of lists. I love feeling accomplished. I love feeling at the top of my game and expect to feel this way each and every day. Come on folks, lets be honest here, I am only human and my name is not Super Woman! I have to remind myself that I AM ENOUGH. Each and every character trait I possess (the good, bad, and down right ugly) makes me who I am and that is enough. I have put so much thought and energy into working on my inner self lately that I can honestly say there are more days when I love who I am, where I am in life, and who I share my life with than dark days of fighting myself for not looking like a certain girl I saw or for my hair not being long enough or my skin looking blotchy from the late night workout. Do any of these things really matter?? Do they define who I am as a woman? No they do not nor does my weight or the tight feeling of my jeans on my muscular thighs or the chips in my nail polish. These are all superficial things that do not represent me as a woman. A woman who loves those close to her more than anything. A woman who cries because she sees an individual eating alone. A woman who will fight for what she believes in. A woman who is more competitive and driven than most. A woman who, in herself, is enough!




Ciao for now,




J

Leave a Trail of Beauty...

It is widely known that the most beautiful thing about a woman is her confidence. Her ability to actually become it, to feel it, and to radiate confidence from the inside out. Once she is solid about who she is and truly believes in herself, she walks with her head held high and cant help but leave a trail of beauty wherever she goes!

Over the last three years of my competition journey, I have learned several things not only about myself but about this sport. First, I CHOSE to compete in a sport that judges me based on my body. The shape and fullness of my muscles, the texture of my skin, the way I carry and present myself on stage, even the way I decide to wear my hair and makeup that day. The criticism can be harsh and the feelings about how you placed can sometimes be even worse. I chose this. Second, when you do not place well or believe from a trusted source that you should be more like someone else or that a certain judge does not like you, you start to believe them even though you KNOW better! Third, those who believe in you and support you no matter what is going on around you, will ALWAYS be there. They will empower you, encourage you, and push you to new levels. That I know for a fact, for I married him. My husband is my biggest fan and through his influence, I have grown exponentially over the last 2 1/2 years. What I have also learned is that I am ENOUGH. I do not need to impress others in order to gain their acceptance or approval. I know that I was created with greatness and do not need to worry about others recognizing such awesomeness! I know that I am free to carry myself with grace, dignity and with true confidence in myself. I know I deserve to live my life in every facet without intimidation of what others think having a place over me. No one has the authority to steal my confidence! So what I told Mr. T is this... "The next time I step on stage, the glow will not come from the glaze. The glow will come from the inside." This is my motto and this will follow me everywhere. I have a ways to go to leave my trail but for now at least I can say I am scattering a trail. :)

Ciao for now,

J

Are you a lion?

"Lions don't have to roar. There is power in silence, confidence and persistence. Those who work don't talk and those who talk don't work. Handle your business. Measure your efforts by results. Focus your time, energy and activity on mastering and executing a plan. Avoid the energy draining practice of telling people what you're going to do. Instead, spend your time and effort in doing the things that are necessary to accomplish your goals. Keep your focus and stay determined in order to pursue your dream. Let your work, not your words, speak for itself. You have something special. You have Greatness within you!!"


Let your work, not your words, speak for itself! This is a line that stirs the fire deep down inside of me. A line that pushes me to be my best and show the world exactly who I am. I am a woman who has huge opportunities awaiting for me, I just need to have the faith to reach out and grab a hold. I am a woman with greatness inside of me that I have yet to discover, even though others may see it. It is for me to accept my self as a whole, each and every part of me, and open my heart and eyes to all the possibilities at my fingertips.


It is exhausting trying to be something for everyone else. It is a life that I lived a few years ago and even now still find myself looking for acceptance when all I need to do is look myself in the eyes and say "You are enough." Avoid the energy draining life of taking what other people think about you to heart. Who cares what other people think?! In all honesty it is more of a direct reflection of them than it is of you! I told Mr. T this weekend that that next time I step on stage, the glow will not be from the glaze. The glow will be coming from within! I have been the one placing limitations on myself and for me, it is my work that will show who I am. I am the quiet, humble champion that loves herself! Each and every part!


And with that folks..... We won the Superbowl! lol What a weekend of hype, spirit, love and support for our Seahawks! It gives me the chills when I see our city come together and show such love for the Hawks and after a game like yesterdays... We ain't finished! Our team is going to do some great things and so all you haters, keep on hatin'. I have to admit that I did not know my mama was such a hawks fan until they were in the Superbowl... I have to share this picture of her shrine and I am pretty sure is going to keep on getting bigger!

Ciao for now!




J