My last post (deciding to step back from a show I committed
to) took a toll on my emotionally. I am a type-A, somewhat OCD perfectionist
that likes to win (what a combo huh?). This can work in my favor, example being
grad school, but also work against me…perfect example…my previous post. When I commit
to something, especially a show, I give it my all from the beginning. If you
have followed my journey from day one, this probably comes as no surprise, so
you can imagine the aftermath of stepping away from a commitment. I have cried,
yelled, and laughed, felt extremely relieved yet felt overwhelmed with guilt on
multiple occasions. I consider this a “learning curve”, a test of my ability to
change my mind, move forward, and never look back.
Change is hard. Some people really enjoy continuous change
in their daily lives, while some, like yours truly, do not welcome change so
much. I like my routine, I like knowing what is happening, I like planning, and
I like being in control (which makes me sound really really terrible and boring
but I’m NOT). So this is what I told myself when I stepped aside from doing
that show, “Put your big girl pants on, hold your head high, and don’t look
back”. Guess what? Who gives a sh*t if I did that show or not besides me? Absolutely
NO ONE. I put the pressure on myself. It is all crap I put in my own head. Crap
that has beat me down, bullied me, and made me want to give up. But I am better
than all the belittling self-talk.
Enough of the babble already! Get to the gym! J
J
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